Holidays with Children - Creating Peace

Creating Peaceful Holidays With Children
This year I want to again share with you an article written by a colleague of mine, Pam Leo, author of the book, Connection Parenting. This article is profound and addresses specific ways and actions you can take to make the pre-holiday time as well as the holidays, joyful for yourself and your children.

Wishing you a wonderful holiday season!


“The Gift Every Child Really Wants”
by Pam Leo

Whether we observe Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Solstice, the holidays have become more stressful for many parents and less happy for many children. By the time we add shopping, wrapping, baking, decorating, and holiday events to our already busy schedules, we have less time than ever to spend with our children. When children don’t get enough attention from the people they love, their “love cup” gets empty and they feel disconnected and unhappy.

If adults try to make children happy by buying them more presents to compensate for spending less time with them, we teach children that “things” are supposed to make them happy. When gifts become a substitute for love instead of a symbol of love, children begin to measure how much they are loved by how many gifts they receive. The more empty their “love” cup, the more “things” children ask for to try to fill the emptiness they feel.

The saying, “You can never get enough of what you don’t really need,” is especially true for children. No matter how many gifts we buy for children or how much money we spend, if their “love” cup is empty, there will never be enough gifts to make them happy. When children with an empty “love cup” have unwrapped all their gifts, they are still looking for something more. The “something more” that children are looking for is something money can’t buy.

The gift every child I really wants, is the gift of feeling connected, loved, and valued. Those feelings can’t be found in any present or in any amount of presents. Children want to be with us and to do what we do. Feeling connected, loved, and valued comes from spending time with the people they love and from doing things with and for the people they love.

One of the best gifts we can give to children is the experience of the joy of giving. We can encourage children to make an “I want to give” list as well as an “I want to get” list. Children delight in giving their own gifts. When children are allowed and invited to fully participate in the holiday making, wrapping, baking, and decorating, they become more focused on what they want to give than on what they want to get. Children who feel connected, loved, and valued don’t need lots of gifts to fill their “love cup.”

We can break the “presents instead of presence” cycle by doing the holidays with our children instead of for them. Whether our children are still very young and we have a fresh beginning to create meaningful holiday traditions and rituals or we have older children who have been accustomed to receiving lots of presents, we can put the “happy” back into the holidays by filling our children’s “love cup” with connection instead of consumerism.

The following tips are for parents who want to create a “less stress - more joy” holiday season for themselves and their children.
• Make the decision that presents will not be or will no longer be the main focus of the holidays.
• Invite children to join in creating a list of fun and meaningful holiday activities the family can do together and a list of kindnesses your family can do for others.
• Request that family and friends honor your fewer gifts decision by asking them to show their love for your children in other ways. A one-on-one “Holiday Date” is a welcome gift and a wonderful way for family members to form closer bonds with children.
• Give children the means to give a few special gifts. Take a friend’s or a relative’s child shopping or help the child make a gift for his or her parents.
• Ask your children what one gift they want most and a second choice if that one is not possible. When children with a full “love “cup get one gift they really want, they hardly notice what else they do or do not get. Receiving one gift they really want satisfies more than opening ten gifts they don’t really care about.
• Try giving children their most special gift first instead of last. The reason children tear through opening presents and keep asking for another is that they are looking for that special one they’ve been hoping for. When they get their special one first they enjoy the rest more.
• Slow down the frantic pace of the holidays and reduce post-holiday let down by spreading out family and friend gatherings throughout December into January.

Most of all, we can stop trying to “do it all.” The people who really love us will still love us no matter what gifts we do or do not give them and whether or not we send greeting cards. We can tell family and friends that we are changing how we “do” the holidays and that we have decided to spend more time connecting with our children. When we slow down the pace and stop doing and buying too much, our children are happier, we are happier, and our holidays are happier.

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Sharon Ann Wikoff’s passion is Listening 2 Children. She is an elementary teacher, piano instructor and an EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Practitioner. EFT is an excellent way to reduce anxiety, stress and/or emotional upset for both children and adults. She may be contacted at (707) 543-6355.

Pam Leo is the author of Connection Parenting: Parenting through Connection instead of Coercion, through Love instead of Fear. You can read other articles by Pam on her website www.connectionparenting.com

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Through the Eyes of a Child - Part 2

Through the Eyes of a Child (Part 2)

In last month’s article I invited readers to take 24 hours and see life (the television, the news, your home, your conversations… EVERYTHING) through the eyes of your child. Many sounds and sights of Halloween can be very frightening or unsettling to children

This month I want to continue this theme, “Through The Eyes of a Child” because topics of great importance continue to be on everyone’s mind and in everyone’s heart!

What types of conversations are your children hearing in your household today? How are your children being affected by the world right now? What are they thinking when they hear conversations about the economy? What is going on in their mind when they hear conversations about Barack Obama’s victory or the passing of Proposition 8 in the state.

Throughout my teaching career I’ve seen many types of approaches by parents to handling such issues with children. Following are three main types of approaches families have with their children regarding their exposure to the “outside” world.

Type A Family: These families were very selective about what their children viewed. They did not take their children to the movies and they did not own a television. They wanted to protect their children from the outside world. As the children grew to be 11 or 12 years of age they would gradually introduce them to more of the “outside world’.

Type B Family: These families thought the experience of their children should not be limited. They allowed them to watch television. They initiated conversations regarding life experiences. When their children saw a homeless person, these families would initiate a conversation about that. They invited their children to ask questions about anything and everything they observed.

Type C Family: These families appear to be indifferent to what their children were exposed too. It just didn’t enter into their thinking that such experiences were important. In addition, this type of parent would initiate a conversation about their child in front of the child. They also might bring up “adult” type conversations in front their children.

Today, being surrounded by the “world of media” I believe that parents need to be consciously aware of the exposure their children have to the outside world and address the important issues, providing children will background information on the topics they are exposed to.

I invite you to sit back and observe the world your child is being exposed to for 24 hours! Observe what he/she sees on the television or listens to on the radio. Observe the conversations he/she is exposed to! See if your child automatically responses to the input or ignores it. Observation is the first step. Become aware of what is happening!

After a period of observation you may know the next step you want to take for your family. It may be to initiate a conversation about a subject they are being exposed to. Or it might be to educate them about a topic. During such conversations, it’s important to separate facts from opinions whenever possible.

I actually had an opportunity to do this the other day with a young adult. This person had not been following the election and was curious about the candidates. So, I had an opportunity to describe each Party in an objective manner, also taking the economy into the situation. It was an interesting experience, attempting to take my “opinions” out of the conversation.

When children are given facts and background about a topic, AND without an editorial twist or a slanted perspective, then they have a foundation from which to think about a topic. Children are wise beyond their years and appreciate objective information. Later you can have a discussion about such topics and encourage everyone to share their ideas.

So, I invite you to once again, to look at the world your child lives in for 24 hours, through your child’s eyes? What are they hearing? What are they seeing? What is your child’s reaction to their experience?

It all begins with observation and seeing what is! And then following up addressing the needs of your children.



Sharon Ann Wikoff is a credentialed elementary teacher and EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Practitioner. She is passionate about Listening 2 Children! She can be reached through her websites: www.AuthenticWays.com and www.MusicMagicMiracles.com or at (707) 543-6355.

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Playing with Your Children

Sharon Wikoff is an advocate for both ends of the spectrum of life…children and elders. Her insights are full of knowledge, experience and compassion. She hosts The family Hour on KGGV 95.1 from Guerneville, CA, which can be heard on the internet through WWW.KGGVFM.ORG



The MAGNIFICENT GIFT behind the simple…Playtime in the LOCAL PARK!

How many times have you gone to the park for a fun relaxed time with your children, and thought of it as just another ‘thing’ to do with the kids? Or perhaps thought, “You really want to go their again?”

During this summer I’ve spent many hours at the Forestville Youth Park, enjoying the swings (YES, I still LOVE to swing!) and walking about under the luscious trees, just hanging out.
It’s been such a joy to watch children there with their parents. I’ve come to realize how very special these moments are between parent and child. Some recent observations of mine have been:

1 - A mom and 5-year-old little girl who is enjoying having her Mom watch her on the equipment.
2 - A father with two young boys, about ten and four years of age. When the children were on the teeter-totter he encouraged the older boy to bounce easily so that the younger child, about 50 pounds lighter, wouldn’t get bounced off.
3 - And the 3rd family I saw was a very buff good looking man, probably about 25 years old with his 2-year-old son, simply observing him as he traveled form place to place. Dad appeared so content and allowed the 2 year old to be very self-directing.

After observing these and others child-parent relationships, I began to see the tremendous GIFTS in such situations.

GIFT ONE: The GIFT of Allowing
When a child is allowed to be free and to do as he/she wishes, that is such a gift! Children need time just “to be!” In today’s world, there are so many demands upon a child’s time that children need that special time daily just to “hang out” and “be.” Magda Gerber, Child therapist, called it: “Wants nothing time.” The parent wants nothing from the child.

This time varies greatly from what Magda calls: “Wants something time.” “We have to go to the store…let’s get in the car.” Or “Please come pick up your toys with me, your room needs to be cleaned up.” Or “Come inside, its dinnertime.” These are all times when the parent “wants something.” After a day of such requests from both parents and teachers, a child needs time and space to play! To be! To enjoy!

GIFT TWO: The GIFT of “Simply Being” for Mom or Dad
The parents I saw were simply “being” in the moment. They were not planning, or teaching or expecting or directing or reprimanding unless there was an issue of safety. In such cases, they responded in the moment without a pre-planned agenda or expectation. They address the need of the moment. This can be a very freeing time for Mom and Dad too! Parents need down time too, very much! They need to relax and just “be.” When parent and child can find the space to do this together, it truly is a gift for both.

GIFT THREE: The GIFT of Self-Confidence
When a child is in an environment where he/she is allowed to choose what they want to do, there is a certain level of confidence that comes from that choosing. This is also a wonderful time for a child to experiment and see what he/she is capable of and what they have a challenge with doing. Infants will spend much time “practicing” a certain move, for example moving from a crawling position to a half sitting position when they are learning to do that movement. They gain confidence in the practicing.

I remember going to the park and sitting on the grass with my 18 month old and allowing her to walk away from the blanket area…and then come back to me. She enjoyed the going and coming so much…and as she gained more confidence she would venture further away. And yet she’s always turn around to make sure I was still there.

So the next time you take time out for a playtime in the park, know that the GIFTS behind such a venture, for both parent and child, are many more than what first meets the eye.

Sharon Ann Wikoff, is an elementary teacher, parent educator and EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) Practitioner. She hosts The Family Hour weekly on KGGV 95.1 Guerneville, which streams on KGGVFM.ORG. She can be reached at (707) 539-0601

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